My Book Page 5

  Matt was as unpredictable as they came, and violence was something I knew he was more than capable of, but he never directed any aggression toward me. Still, not knowing where we were headed or what he was going to do when we got there made my heart race. I didn’t dare ask. We had both talked enough for one night.

  It wasn’t until we were standing outside of his condo and he was fumbling with his keys that I realized where we were. The place he’d lived when we first met was smaller, and closer to where I lived now. I thought about it fondly, picturing long naked nights in his king-sized four-poster bed. But this new place was in a nice building, with an elevator that took us to the twelfth floor of a gorgeous old building. Matt had certainly moved up in the world. Literally.

  When he leaned in to kiss me, my brain was taken aback, but my body responded as if it had been waiting for his kiss for years. His mouth on mine was hard and strong and unexpected, forcing me to yield to his embrace. He was so much like the Matt Dawson who impregnated me, that I swooned. The passion and fierceness in his embrace slowly dissipated a dangerous line that I drew long ago.

  He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I melted into him, allowing him to back me up until my back hit something hard. I glanced over my shoulder hurriedly to take in my surroundings. It was a granite kitchen island, and it was cold through the thin material of my dress, but I pushed myself onto it, sitting with my legs spread wide so that Matt could step between them, positioning himself in a familiar way.

  I took in the way his body felt against mine and panted through our interlocked lips. I had stayed away from him so long—from his aggressive nature, the way he had no problem defending my honor, even if it became physical. It’s why I didn’t want my son around him, I realized. Unfortunately, it is also what drew me back to him.

  We undressed in a hurried, frantic rush. I’d never been so ready to be naked in all my life. My clothes were much simpler than his, and he lifted my dress over my head in one swift motion to reveal the black bra and panties I had worn. He gazed at them appreciatively before planting a long, slow kiss on my mouth, then the corner of my lips, slowly downward until he stopped at the area between my breasts, moaning into my collarbone uncontrollably.

  I set to work unbuttoning his pants. My efficient hands had his expensive looking suit on the ground in seconds. Matt certainly looked nice in the suit, but he looked even more incredible out of it. I ran my hands up and down the ridges of his abs and back muscles, and he explored my chest in turn. The ink I recalled being present on his arms and chest was expanded upon in intricate swirls, patterns and claw marks. The marking on his skin created two full sleeves and a nearly covered chest.

  “You smell incredible,” he murmured into my collarbone when I leaned into him. “I have dreamed about that smell.” I still used the same shampoos and perfumes that I had when I was younger. I moaned as he pressed his lips into my chest harder, pulling my hips close enough to let me feel the entire length of him between us.

  “Thank you,” I moaned. My voice had turned husky in my own ears, like I’d been chain-smoking and drinking whiskey. Matt’s eyes became wider and more wild at the sound of it.

  Before I could even catch my breath, Matt’s fingers were exploring me. His first touch between my thighs was slick and sweet. My whimper was involuntary, and my body felt alight. He let his thumb rub rhythmically on my clit; first one finger, then two. They slid inside to feel the wet heat that lay within.

  Everything was fast paced, but I was much too eager to slow down. Matt looked just as overcome, but he took the time to look into my eyes in a way that doesn’t occur during quick hookups. All in one quick and unpredictable motion, he lifted my legs over his shoulders, leaning forward to drink in the sight of me before he buried his face between my thighs.

  I was helpless beneath him as he explored me with his tongue. The cool granite on my back was a startling contrast to the heat that spread throughout the rest of my body as he worked on me with a hot, wet tongue. My whole body had grown sensitive and wanton under his touch. My head tipped back, and I stared blankly into the ceiling as sensation overrode any fear or hesitance.

  Divorced from any conscious inhibitions, I explained to him explicitly and precisely what he needed to do with his tongue and fingers. He obeyed my instructions with relish, following my orders to the letter. With two long, thick fingers stroking deep inside me, and his tongue flicking rhythmically against my clit with just the right amount of pressure, I came apart beneath him within a few short minutes. His name was on my lips as I peaked, and the rush of my climax erased any insecurity, regret, or fear that I had been feeling about letting Matt back into my life.

  “Get on your knees,” Matt ordered as he stood before me, his body on full display. Deep shadows interlaced every crevice of his figure.

  “What if I don't?” I asked.

  “I’ll make you scream loud enough for the entire city to hear,” he promised, and every inch of my body shuttered.

  Knowing that he would follow through on the threat even if I did oblige, I fell to my knees, happy to serve.

  I looked up at him wantonly, licking my lips to make sure he had no misconceptions about what I was about to do. He pulled my hair back out of my face as I used my hands to stroke him firmly before guiding him into my mouth. I worked him toward orgasm with long strokes through hollowed cheeks before backing him off again and again. His low moans let me know that he was pleased with my efforts, and I kept on going until I brought him to the edge of climax.

  “Oh god,” he moaned, grasping the back of my head and holding me in place as his hips bucked wildly. His next few thrusts went deep into the back of my throat—farther than I even thought I was capable of taking him. I closed my eyes, suppressed my gag, and let myself be directed on how to serve him. When he finished a stroke or two later, filling my mouth with heat and the taste of salt, I swallowed hard in satisfaction. Opening my eyes and smiling, I gazed up to see him staring at me in wonder.

  He dropped to the tile floor where I knelt, collapsing next to me in a naked pile of exhaustion.

  “This wasn’t how I expected this to go,” he murmured as I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as it attempted to return to its normal pace. I breathed him in and considered his words. If I was honest, there was a part of me that had expected our night to end exactly like it did. It was the part of me that wanted him more than anything, and didn’t give a damn about the consequences.

  The floor was cold, and I cuddled into Matt for warmth for a long moment, singularly happy in the moment we shared. There was a whole world of problems outside the door, but somehow none of that mattered. All I knew was that what was happening between us could not possibly be a mistake. A mistake would never feel this good.

  Thirteen

  Matt

  There were few things that felt as good as having Amanda’s head resting on my chest while I stroked her long auburn curls. The sensation of her skin against mine felt natural and right in the silent darkness of my home. But before long, the floor became uncomfortable and cold. Going down on her in the kitchen had seemed like a good idea at the time, and to be honest, she had been the best thing I had eaten in that kitchen for a very long time, but the kitchen did not offer a lot of comfortable options for post-coital snuggling.

  Amanda must have been thinking the same thing, because no sooner had I decided that I should peel myself from my spot on the floor, she asked: “What time is it?”

  I reached for my pants to find my phone tucked into the pocket. They were only about a foot from my head, and were easy to reach, but holding them in one hand while reaching into the pocket with the other, with Amanda’s head still resting comfortably on my chest, was another matter entirely. Still, with a bit of effort, I managed to free the device.

  “Oh wow,” I said to her, “It’s still early. It’s just after nine.” I dropped the phone back into my pants and continued playing with her hair. It was soft to the touch
and smelled incredible. Moments like these were something I could definitely see myself getting used to.

  “I have my babysitter until midnight,” she explained. “Is there anything you’d like to do?”

  Her words brought me back into our reality, and I sat up, forcing Amanda to sit up in the process. I pinched the bridge of my nose. I knew we’d have to have the conversation about the child eventually, but I didn’t know when I’d be ready for it, if ever. In a lot of ways, I still felt like a child myself.

  “First I’d like to take a shower,” I said. “Then maybe order some food. What do you say?”

  “That sounds good,” she agreed. Then, after a pause, she added, “Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”

  “Yes,” I conceded. “But first, shower and food.”

  “Fair enough.”

  I was grateful that she joined me in the shower. I would much rather think about her naked body than ruminate on the conversation that we were going to have to have. Right now, everything was perfect, but I knew it wasn’t going to be that way for long. I relished in the long moments that we spent under the steaming water of my shower, and took extra care to wash her gently, enjoying the way her soapy skin slid under the palms of my hands as I lathered her delicate curves.

  It didn’t take long before I was ready for her again, my body aching with the insatiable need of her. I pressed my erection against her firm, round ass and she let out an adorable squeal in surprise. She turned to face me, smiling down at it like it was a gift she was more than ready to unwrap, and I kissed her, hard and deep before lifting her by the hips and pinning her back to the wall at the perfect height to take me in.

  The hot shower continued to rain down on us as she locked her legs around my waist. I held tightly as I thrust into her, slowly at first, then more quickly as we found the right rhythm, building steadily and staring breathlessly into one another’s eyes. Amanda’s eyes went glassy and vacant when she got close, and she bit her full bottom lip. Her moans echoed against the walls and surrounded us with the beautiful sound of the pleasure I was giving her. I wanted her to feel me deep within her. I wanted her to know how much I craved her, and so I thrust harder, listening closely as her breath caught, and her muscles seized, clamping tightly around me as she came.

  The sight of her, the friction between us, and the way she moaned my name in her deeply aroused voice pushed me over the edge right after her, and I had to steady myself as I spilled into her to be careful that I didn’t fall and drop her in the process. When I finished, Amanda carefully unlocked her feet from around my waist, and I held her steady as she returned them to the shower floor and kissed me, smiling into my mouth. It wasn’t until then that a terrifying thought entered my mind. I didn’t want to give a voice to it, but I had to. How could we have been so irresponsible again?

  Amanda must have seen the fear spread across my face, because I barely got the words, “Are you--?” out of my mouth before she interrupted me in a reassuring voice.

  “I’m on the pill,” she said.

  I breathed a sigh of relief, but it seemed like Amanda did not share in my comfort. She used my handheld showerhead to clean herself quickly before stepping out of the shower and wrapping herself in a towel without another word.

  I followed, though not in as much of a hurry. I took my time, washing my now relaxed body, enjoying the heat of the water pouring down on my skin, and reflecting on the events of the evening. I knew when I stepped out of the shower that I wouldn’t be able to avoid talking any longer. For better or worse, it was a conversation that was going to irreversibly change my life.

  Fourteen

  Amanda

  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had two orgasms in one night, though I imagined that it was probably the last time that Matt and I were together. Most of the men that I’d met in the intervening years had been all too keen on pleasing themselves, but not all that interested in assuring my satisfaction as well. Incredibly, I felt spent, well-rested, and hungry when I got out of the shower. And even though I was irritated with Matt for bringing up birth control immediately after we had enjoyed each other in the shower, I was happy.

  So of course, we had to go and ruin it.

  Matt had ordered Chinese delivery, and we sat on his couch sharing boxes of bourbon chicken and steamed rice in relative silence when Matt brought it up.

  “So you named him Aaron?” he asked. He was just making small talk, but the fact that he brought up Aaron at all suggested that he was finally ready to talk about it, which made me somewhat relieved.

  “Yes. Aaron Nicholas Fisher.” I couldn’t help but smile when I thought about him. That kid was my whole life.

  “That’s a good name,” Matt said, returning my grin. “What’s he like?”

  “Oh wow.” It was a big question to answer, but I felt like I had to give it a try. “He’s an amazing little man,” I said. “He’s eight, and he’s so smart. He loves to read. He also loves cartoons and movies. He has a ton of energy. And he’s such a smartass. I have never met a kid who makes me laugh so often.” The truth was, aside from Aaron and a few of the friends he had made in school, I hadn’t met a lot of kids. I wasn’t the type of mom to take him on lots of play dates when he was little. I was always busy and on the go.

  “He sounds pretty great,” Matt said to me. “I bet you’re a great mom.”

  I thought about this for a long moment. “I wasn’t at first,” I admitted, “but when you’re on your own, you just have to figure it out. And my mom helped some.”

  “I’m sorry you were on your own,” he said. The sentiment was genuine, but Matt knew as well as I did that he wouldn’t have the life that he did today if he’d been busy taking care of a kid with me. He was a managing partner at a prestigious firm. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had stopped him from achieving that. I told him so.

  “It didn’t stop you,” he said.

  “It was hard,” I explained. “The hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

  “I could have made it easier.” He was almost pleading, and I didn’t know what to do with the feelings that he was expressing. So, I let them hang there in the air like clean laundry blowing in the breeze, and steered the conversation in another direction.

  “He looks like you,” I told him.

  “Really?”

  I nodded. “Not so much that other people noticed, but in the eyes, it’s unmistakable. Every single time I have looked into his eyes over the years, I have thought about you.” It was not an admission that I had intended to make, but now that the words were out of my mouth, I could not reel them back in.

  “Wow,” was his response. I think the weight of it overwhelmed him. He was silent for a long time before he asked his next question. “Have you told him about me?”

  I shook my head. “He didn’t ask about his dad until a couple of years ago, and I never brought it up. When he did ask, I told him that his dad was someone that I loved very much, and that he had to live far away.”

  “That was enough?”

  “For now,” I explained. “He will probably be getting more curious soon. But I think he can recognize truth when he hears it. I wasn’t going to lie to him and say his dad was dead or something, you know? That’s just cruel.”

  Matt stared at me blankly. The implication of my words was not lost on him. In so many words, I had just said that I loved him—or at least that I had loved him once. We had never spoken those words to each other. What we’d had was barely more than a fling, but it had completely altered the course of my life in an amazing way, and I couldn’t think about all of the love that I had for Aaron without also loving the other half of him.

  “So what do we do now?” I asked once the silence became so thick we could almost feel it raining down on our skin.

  “I know what I want to do,” he responded.

  “What is that?”

  “I want to be with you. I want to get to know you again. And I definitely
want to meet Aaron.”

  This last part scared me. I had never introduced any man that I was dating to Aaron. I had always wanted to protect him from everything—and that included some of the jerks I’d had in my life who wouldn’t have known how to talk to him. I didn’t know if Matt would be any different. There were numerous reasons I kept Aaron from him and they were still valid. I tried to explain this to him in a way that I thought he might understand, but he didn’t take it very well.

  “You have kept him from me for his entire life.” His gentle voice had turned accusatory, and he looked at me with anger in his eyes. I knew he was right, but I didn’t know how to make it better. I felt the tears as they poured down my cheeks, but I made no move to acknowledge them.

  “I was so young. I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t imagine you as a dad— you were keen to sleep around and get yourself into fights. I was afraid that if I told you, you’d hate me. I was afraid that I’d ruin your life and you’d blame me for it.”

  Matt’s face softened, and he lifted a hand to my cheek to wipe away my tears. “I could never hate you. Not when you’ve been on my mind every day for the last nine years,” he said softly, ignoring every other reason I had mentioned.

  I believed the words when he said them.

  I looked into his eyes—the same eyes I had seen in my memory and on my son every day of my life for the past eight years. “I want to be with you,” I found myself admitting. I let him wrap his arms around me and snuggled into him so that he could hold me tighter. One more question was weighing on my mind. “What are we going to do about Brian?” I mumbled into his neck.

  He kissed the top of my head and held me even more tightly. “Let me handle Brian,” he said.

  Fifteen